Girls are taught that they can be passive or aggressive and males don’t like aggressive females. Though there’s an increase in aggressive girls, many feel it’s better to be passive. In being passive, they must wait for their desires to arrive. By not being an active participant in their lives, insecurity grows. When we feel insecure, we assume our partner will find a better mate, so we become jealous.
With an internal battle between passivity and aggression, passive people often become controlling, using passive-aggressive means. Expecting handouts of happiness and fulfillment leaves them feeling empty and disappointed. Even if they get something, it rarely measures up to their expectations.
Passivity requires us to wait for others to provide, taking us out of control. Also, passive people often expect others to read their mind. When their mind isn’t read accurately, passive-aggressive actions punish the man for failing. Men don’t respond well to punishment, resulting in them becoming more resistant to provide.
Feeling good about ourselves comes from measuring our accomplishments. The more we do what our partner and we value in a relationship, the more we see value in ourselves. When we bring value to a relationship, we feel secure, so jealousy disappears. We feel so positive about what we bring to the relationship that if our partner strays, we see it as our partner’s loss.
It is better to be assertive. By taking an active role in our lives and clearly expressing ourselves, we can facilitate and entice change while still respecting other people. When they feel respected, they’re more likely to consider our desires.
With both aggression and assertion we want to achieve our goal effectively and efficiently. The difference is that aggression uses tunnel vision and a straight-line approach, limiting our awareness of what happens around us or how our actions impact others. Assertiveness uses a broader focus, allowing us to observe around us. We can now see those who can help us and those we can help. It may not be a straight line, but we feel more fulfilled when we get to our objective. Happiness comes from within, so it can’t be handed to us. The label we put on an experience determines the value of the experience. When we’re active participants, we place more realistic labels on our experiences. Considerate assertion builds self-esteem, fulfillment and happiness. Be involved and enjoy life.
For more information and to discuss this or other issues, call Dr. Levine at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.