As a child, we believed that our father knew everything and could do no wrong. The father is the figure we rely on to protect our family and keep it together, healthy and strong. Young kids must blindly believe in the father, so that they can feel safe enough to take chances and grow. As the child grows, a more realistic view of that father appears. What reality do we want them to see?
Men tell me that they feared their fathers, and that helped them to turn out well. That statement tells me that they were never taught to think for themselves, so, without fear to govern them, they would’ve been a threat to themselves and/or others. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” is another statement I hear. Most violent people experienced violence as a child. Did they learn what the parent hoped would be learned?
We want to look up to our fathers, to respect them, to admire them, to get hope from them. For that to happen, we need fathers who represent all the good we want to see. Show by example, not “do as I say, not as I do.” We want to see how it works, not just blindly believe that it works. We want to see personal strength in our fathers, yet we also want so see sensitivity to the feelings of others. We want to see that brute force is not the only option.
Be a good role model. Don’t be a stereotypical caricature of any extremism. Kids don’t need lectures and punishment; they need to feel that you care enough to take the time to understand them and help them to achieve their goals, while maintaining effective discipline and consistent consequences. Accusing them of negatives will push them closer to that negative than away from it. Don’t legitimize addictive or abusive behaviors by saying that was the way you were raised.
Be honest; don’t exaggerate your accomplishments. Give them a variety of experiences, so that they have many things to choose from when they create their own identity. Facilitate your children’s exploration and discovery. Show them that they can steady themselves on you while they accomplish their goals (not your goals). Show them that you believe in them, unconditionally and non-judgmentally.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.