Do You Like Having a Helpful Partner?

 A helpful partner can come in handy, yet our responses can determine if that helpfulness continues or ceases. Helpful partners enjoy adding to their partner’s life and feeling appreciated. Knowing they are able to help is enough to maintain the helpful pattern, but when their helpfulness is taken for granted or turned into an obligation, the motivation to continue dies out. People who enjoy being helpful, but have been sensitized by previous demanding/critical experiences tend to be reluctant to give, limiting their giving to reciprocating whatever their partner gives.
Endless thank you’s aren’t the answer for maintaining a partner’s helpfulness. There are many ways to show appreciation. Sometimes a smile can be the best reward for a job well done. Occasionally mentioning things you’ve appreciated in the past shows your partner the helpfulness has enduring impact, not just momentary. When you say thank you and never mention it again, the thank you is just seen as an obligatory statement and not heartfelt.
There are certain words which turn actions into obligations: should/n’t, must and have/need/ought to. Let people enjoy wanting to do things. Let it be their choice. You can entice them, but never think demands or criticisms will give you more of what you want. Don’t volunteer your partner’s help or tell him/her what to do. Saying “My car’s been acting strangely lately,” or “I’m going to clean the kitchen Saturday morning,” or “I’m finding this task to be more challenging than I anticipated” gives the other person the opportunity to offer assistance. Don’t view the helpfulness as an expectation or entitlement. It’s OK to remind your partner what you appreciate (I was just remembering how special I felt when you did _____, or You’ll never know how amazing I feel when you touch me like that.).
Realize your role in nurturing relationship helpfulness. Being helpful and showing appreciation for helpfulness maintains and strengthens that pattern. Rather than focus on what your partner should do, focus on what you can do to feed this pattern and reciprocate thoughtfully. Consistently ask yourself, “What can I do to show enjoyment and appreciation.”
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.