Reducing Power Struggles

As a parent, you will inevitably hear your child respond with “no” when you ask them to do something. Developmentally, children and adolescents will demonstrate autonomy in order to become an individual apart from their parents, but the ensuing power struggle causes stress for everyone.  Try to remember that this behavior is another step in healthy development and not your child simply being defiant.  In fact, learning to state a powerful “No” is an important skill that can keep them safe.
If you feel like a participant in a game of tug-of-war when you ask your child to do something, you don’t have to pick up the other end of the rope. One approach to avoid these power struggles is to not ask a yes or no question. Every person needs to feel they have some power and choice over their lives. Instead of asking your child if they are ready to do homework, give them some choice. You might say, “It’s time for homework. Would you like to work in the kitchen or in the office?” This gives them choice and avoids a yes or no answer. You are still the parent and make the rules, but you are letting them feel empowered in their life by offering choices. Keep in mind, an empowered choice does not mean choosing between doing the chores or no electronics. The threat of punishment does not offer a real choice to them.
You can also give your child power in other ways. Let them teach you something they are interested in or be in charge of a task for the family. They could be in charge of feeding the family pet, making the chore chart, decorating their bedroom, or helping to plan the dinner menu.
When your child says “no” it helps to interpret it as a sign of healthy development, instead of disrespect. Remember that they need to feel in control of their life, just like everyone does. Offer choices and power in ways that are a win-win for both you and your child.
If you would like more information about how to create rules and lessen power struggles at home, please contact the offices of Dynamic Interventions at 661-257-1254 or at www.dynamicinterventions.com.