Choosing a Friend and Partner

 How does one choose a friend and/or partner? Too often, people dive in without knowing what they’re seeking. Before choosing, identify those qualities you’ve learned make relationships healthy for you. Understand that your qualities must work for the other person, also. Identify both what adds value and the red flags that predict failure. These requirements are unique for each individual, but be honest with yourself and focus on what works rather than just attractiveness. I’ll give examples, but don’t assume my examples should fit you. Partnership qualities include all friendship qualities.
Presence of these positives can confirm choice of friends: feeling safe to openly be oneself; feeling accepted and appreciated as is, not for any future potential; freely shared clear/open/honest communication; mutual respect and interests; comfortable creative playfulness; energizing and motivating; accepting of differences; focusing on creating present and future rather than letting past predetermine everything; patience; realistic optimism; eagerness to learn.
Friendship red flags may be criticism; demands; yelling; entitlements (expecting to receive more than give); self-centeredness; extremes or overreactions.
Presence of these positives can confirm choice of a partner: realizing the greatest joy and fulfillment comes from sharing in one’s partner’s joy and fulfillment over seeking one’s own fulfillment; seeing actions that show this person cares about others while not ignoring self-care; simple actions (like a smile or a touch) that prove this is where both belong; feeling safe, secure and special with this person; mutual enjoyment, love and desire; soothing and comforting; equality; mutual active participation in keeping the relationship new and alive and valuing all intimacy; beliefs based on experiential learning rather than indoctrination.
Partnership red flags may be betrayal (deception, whether lies or failure to share important information – leading us to question what else is untrue or being withheld); irresponsibility (focusing on short-term rather than long-term impacts); significant insecurities or instabilities; insensitivity.
By knowing what works for you, making sure you don’t settle for less, you’ll raise your odds of connecting with something enduring and meaningful. Limit only those things you know you can’t live with, not simple preferences, making sure all mandatory aspects are present.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.