Lessons to Avoid Divorce – Or Learn From It

“Trees with strong roots survive even violent storms.” – Paraphrasing Joseph Worthlin
Well-known author, researcher, professor and therapist, John Gottman, made the following statement in a recent Huffington Post interview:
In all kinds of relationships, people have conflict and disagreements and hurt one another’s feelings. What determines the success of the relationship is the way people deal with conflict, the nature of their friendship and intimacy, and their shared meaning system.
Students in training to become marriage and family therapists examine multiple theories to help explain the dynamics between family members and the causes of breakdown and dysfunction. Dr. Gottman’s description is very consistent with one theory that examines the relationships between all members in a family and the relationships with the grandparent families.
The basis of this theory says that every two-person relationship is unstable – in the sense that no two people can fully meet the needs of each other while fulfilling their own needs at the same time and all the time. Because of this fact, anxiety arises at critical times and the theory goes on to propose that how that anxiety is dealt with determines how functional a family will be. Someone forgets a birthday or anniversary. The “injured” spouse feels hurt and angry. The forgetful spouse feels guilty and tries to minimize the “injury.” The “injured spouse” complains to his or her parents and finds relief in sharing the incident. Those parents now experience increased anxiety after taking on the “injury” to their child. They in turn now act coldly around the forgetful spouse and the anxiety in the “system” keeps growing.
Other ways to manage anxiety in more severe circumstances may include workaholic behavior, drugs and alcohol or extra-marital affairs. Sometimes the children in the family are targets of this unresolved anxiety (which leads to carrying these lessons into future family lives).
The way through is to first be aware of how anxiety is managed, learn healthy ways to manage it, and, according to Dr. Gottman, create and sustain a positive outlook. In a positive system communication problems don’t explode, but in a negative one each communication problem can be an atomic bomb. Happiness is a choice coupled with action.
For more information contact the Center for Cooperative Divorce at 661-255-9348 or visit us online at www.centerforcooperativedivorce.com.