The Role of Power in Divorce

Power: The ability to act or produce an effect; the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events. Merriam-Webster.Com
Power is a factor in every relationship. The relationship is affected by how it is distributed, balanced and expressed. Imbalances, lack of reciprocity, or abuses are often key factors in dysfunction within a family and in a marriage. A power balance does not mean each spouse has equal ability in every situation. Often each party has superior skills and capacities in different areas. These can actually help in an overall balance of power. Each defers to the other in an appropriate situation. One may be a better problem-solver in times of crises; the other may excel in planning and organizing. One might have a more accurate sense in providing nurture for the children while the other may have skills in developing responsibility and independence in the children.
But, when “power” becomes a means of protecting one’s identity or self-esteem, it can be a destructive use of power. In divorce, there is a high risk that such “power” will become amplified. The result can be a vicious cycle of hostility or a form of intimidation that will lay the seeds of long-term resentment.
Among the many skills of mediators, none are more important than the ability to diffuse or manage power struggles in order to resolve issues and minimize the potential for enduring bitterness. There are a number of tools available to participants in mediation for this purpose. Sometimes the mediator will meet with each party separately and share their observations and concerns. Trained mediators may tend to the emotional undercurrents and triggers offering participants feedback and suggestions that will lead to positive results rather than hardening the lines between the parties. It is always important to make sure each party feels their concerns are “heard” and acknowledged. In some cases, one party may be averse to confrontation and just “suffer in silence.” The mediator needs to ensure that both parties have “ownership” in a final agreement. That means all voices were heard, multiple solutions were explored, and the parties agree on the one selected.
For more information contact the Center for Cooperative Divorce at 661-255-9348 or visit us online at www.centerforcooperativedivorce.com.