Variations on a Basic Recipe

 Can you survive on the same menu for the rest of your life? It’s possible (and even likely if you are male), but that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate variations. We can jump from one item to the next, or we can make subtle changes to the same item. We’re actually more likely to appreciate the results when we make subtle changes than jump to an unknown. The same holds true for relationships. We can jump from relationship to relationship, or we can creatively add subtle changes to one relationship. We can safely allow ourselves to maintain a rut with constant repetition, but then we don’t feel energized, desirous or appreciative. Some prefer routine to newness, as sameness gives fairly guaranteed outcomes, but then we never relive the intense emotional connection we once enjoyed and savored.
We can make haphazard changes, hoping for the best, but we’d be lucky to experience a 50 percent success rate. To raise your likelihood of success, be observant and learn from those observations. When something works (or doesn’t) for you or others, make note of it. Learn what patterns are likely to succeed. Dig deeper than the obvious. Saying your partner likes to be touched won’t give you the quantity of options you’d get if you learned how and where your partner likes to be touched and how specific combinations impact him/her.
Find out what drew your partner to you in the first place. Don’t guess… ask! Make sure you understand your partner’s experience. Don’t accept superficial general statements… dig deeper. Which smile? How did it impact him/her? Separate what was real from desired fantasies. Enhance those original traits or talents, and incorporate them into your daily life. If your partner felt you cared enough to truly listen, seek out opportunities to show interest and a desire to understand.
Pay attention throughout your relationship. Learn what draws your partner’s interest or triggers positive change. Don’t ask to be spoonfed. Apply what you discover and then query your partner if you don’t see an obvious response. Maintain a basis of consistency, yet continually add special touches.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.