Choose What Works for You

 Commonly, couples come into therapy quick to lay blame. They blame themselves, others or outside influences. Unfortunately, people assume once blame has been placed there is nothing else for them to do. How often are you motivated by self-blame or see others motivated by blame? Challenges are never resolved by placing blame. Asking who’s at fault is just a reversed approach to blame. It’s very rare for one to encounter situations where both aren’t feeding the problem. Moving forward means we focus on our role in maintaining or escalating conflict.
What are the results when you demand or criticize? Do you find it leads to long-term positive change, or increased resistance to change and decreased consideration for your feelings? Please let me know if you get long-term positive results, as I’ve never observed that.
It’s easy to maintain familiar patterns, but functional patterns will move you forward. Don’t copy others, assuming people don’t maintain dysfunctional patterns. If people look, they see personal patterns that limit their growth and functionality. Do you prefer familiar or functional?
To resolve issues, start by identifying your long-term objective. Next, identify different ways of reaching your objective. If you can only see one option, seek help from others. Once you’ve listed options, identify pros and cons of each. Only then do you want to choose a path.
Related to this is altering behaviors we want to change. First discover what needs are being met by the behavior you want altered. Next list other options that will meet the need as well if not better than the original pattern. Telling yourself to stop the behavior is like telling yourself to stop breathing polluted air. Always look for replacements over stopping any behavior.
Make positive choices that give you results you want in 10 years without focusing on immediate self-gratification or entitlements. Picture how smooth and productive walking is when you see 20 feet in front of you versus only two inches. Making parenting decisions based on how they will impact your child as an adult is more functional than making decisions based on what’s easiest in the moment.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.