Can There Be A “Good” Divorce?

 “Thank God I found the good in goodbye” -Beyoncé Knowles
In 1969, California adopted a new approach to ending a marriage through the reduction of a divisive and hostile legal process. The new law sought to “eliminate lurid testimony and acrimony…” To many, the new “no fault” divorce celebrated an age of enlightenment – especially when children were involved. However, as noted recently by one Judge, in criminal court people are on their best behavior while in family court they are on their worst.
Unlike many other areas of law, divorce strikes deeply into the personal identity, world view and moral convictions of the people involved. For many it is the destruction of a dream and shared vision of the future. Often it does not end “pretty.” Still, it does end and “how” matters.
In spite of the best intentions of the California legislature to make the process less bitter, the nature of a legal system is one of advocacy, believing that arguing the extremes on each side will end up with the fairest and best result. But, that is not generally the case. One way to look at it is to explore the two primary approaches in any negotiation. One is “positional negotiation” where each side tries to get the best result for themselves. It’s the most common form of negotiation and the bedrock of legal disputes. The downside in family disputes is that it often ignores the emotional impact on the other party. Even a short-term “win” may produce a long-term emotional loss.
Unlike the legal system, mediated divorces employ an additional approach called “interest-based negotiation” in which the mediator facilitates the negotiations with the emotional impact in mind. A common example: the legal standard for child support is tied to the physical custody arrangement. If one of the parents is fearful of the financial impact of child support a battle may ensue over custody. The mediator may help separate these issues by addressing the financial situation in ways independent of custody leading to a satisfying result for both parents.
For more information on alternative approaches that can lead to a GOOD goodbye, see the American Bar Association pamphlet on mediation at:  http://www.americanbar.org/content/ dam/aba/images/dispute_resolution/Mediation_Guide_Family.pdf or call 661- 255-9348 or visit us online at www.centerforcooperativedivorce.com.