Behind the Shock and Sadness of Suicide

 Tragic death such as suicide can be among the most shocking loss of life. When we hear about someone taking his or her own life right in our own community, the news is emotionally disruptive and evokes a wide range of reactions.
Maybe the person was in misery due to drugs, alcohol or a mental disorder. Maybe it was a drug overdose. Whatever the circumstances, suicide stirs up unresolved grief, a sense among survivors that they may not have done all they could to help the victim when he or she was alive.
It is very normal, after a death, to start reviewing that relationship and thinking about things that we wished had been different, better or more. This is particularly the case when someone takes his or her own life. In these situations people often spend a great deal of time looking for missed clues that there was a problem. Even if there were something we felt in our “gut,” those feelings now become even more exaggerated, based on the fact that the cause of death was suicide.
Those feelings, whether we call them guilt or not, are related to all of the unfinished business in the relationship. It often includes all the conversations we wished we had had. All of this keeps us focused on that one moment in his life when he chose to deal with what was, perhaps, a temporary solution with a very permanent solution.
That one moment was hardly the story of the rest of his life. The actions of that moment hardly define his entire life. But lifelong memories of him are now being lost to the actions of his single act.
After a suicide our natural reaction is also to think about the family and friends left behind. As our minds and hearts go over the news and assign emotional value to what we’ve heard, we automatically are triggered to remember other significant people from our lives who have died, either recently or long ago.
Since sadness is the most common emotion we attach to death, our brain is also searching for what we know about sad feelings. Therefore, we will not only summon memories of people and beloved pets who have died, but also of divorces, estrangements, job losses, health issues, and any other life events that cause pain and sadness.
In thinking about some of the people who are gone, we often realize there were things we wish we’d said to them or done with them, but we missed out. We also may remember that there were things we wanted to thank them for or things we wished we’d apologized for, but we never took the time.
When a person takes his or her own life, we may feel robbed of the things we wanted to say or do. We are left with some unfinished emotions. That means making sure we say the important things we want to say to the people who mean the most to us. We must not wait for later, because we can’t guarantee there will be a “later.”
A free community presentation on the tools and skills needed for working through significant emotional loss of any kind will take place at 7 p.m., Thursday, May 24, at the Education Center, Christ Lutheran Church, 25816 N. Tournament Road. For more information, call The Grief Program at 661-733-0692.