Therapy In Advance… or in crisis?

 Often, people don’t think of therapy while life is going smoothly. People assume therapy is just to deal with major conflicts. Why rock the boat? Many people fear therapy complicates lives, so reluctantly seek it only when they feel they have to. This approach to therapy often sets up self-fulfilling prophecies, creating unnecessary conflict.
When people in crisis seek therapy, they tend to be defensive or make unrealistic promises. Looking at arguments, you’ll recognize that it’s very difficult to accept anything heard from the other person, as long as you continue to feel threatened. We defend our perspective and rarely feel safe compromising. During crises, people generally seek a therapist to prove they’re right, to increase their power against the other. Change requires vulnerability, which is rarely present during conflict. Being open to new tools requires us to admit our tools aren’t effective. People aren’t comfortable acknowledging their deficiencies during crisis, limiting growth. Must the other person lose?
When desperate, we’ll make promises to allow us to keep what we fear losing. Sometimes we make promises we don’t plan on keeping, while other times we truly believe we’ll make the changes. When the promise isn’t kept, the other person becomes resentful, leading to more pain than existed before the promise. When we realize we promised more than is realistic for us, we resent the other for being self-centered and insensitive to us. When you’re not hearing the other person, ask yourself how you expect that person to hear you.
Therapy during crisis can be helpful, but deep, enduring growth develops more often when we seek help for enhancement during stability, rather than fixing during instability. When people approach therapy as a means to enhance, defenses are down, and we tend to be eager to acquire and apply new tools. It allows people to feel safer, more of a team effort, so we tend to be more open and honest. This allows for quicker, more effective changes. People want quick fixes during crisis, yet legitimate long-term changes are unlikely in crisis. Consider your options, and make the most of your efforts.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.