Expressing Expectations or Preferences

Depending on the results you seek, there are differences between expressing expectations or preferences. Is your goal to control or influence? Expectations are generally used when people want to control others, while preferences are more likely used when we want others to consider our feelings.
Expectations are presented as obligations. If I say I expect you to do something, I’m not showing I’m open to hearing your perspective on the topic or interested in learning your thoughts and feelings. This will probably result in defensiveness and resistance on your part. We believe others should change when we declare our expectations, yet how willing would you be to change your perspective to that of the other person? If you wouldn’t conform to what others expect, how can you expect others to be eager to change for you?
If only one preference was acceptable, Baskin-Robbins would have been called The Flavor rather than 31 Flavors. We tend to be tolerant of differences in others when we feel confident in ourselves and don’t feel threatened by those differences. We’re open to going out to dinner with someone and having that person order a different dish. We’re not open to people telling us our preference is wrong. If I prefer peace and quiet, is it my place to be critical of those who love noisy parties? If my preference is judged as immature, I’d need to ask myself if there is a basis in truth to that statement. If I believe it could be based on truth, I’ll find myself getting defensive.
When we share preferences, we are looking to see if the other person cares enough to take our feelings into consideration. We become influential rather than controlling. It allows us to learn how much the other person cares about us. If I say I prefer sleeping with some type of sound, while the other prefers silence, the other will show caring toward me by saying let’s explore options so you can have your sound without disturbing my sleep. Expressing preferences are more likely to lead to exploration of alternatives than expressing expectations.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.