Is Divorce a Failure?

 Last month, attorney Steven Chroman wrote an article stating divorce isn’t failure. To reinforce his statement from a mental health perspective, he’s accurate. True failure is a failure to act. Obviously, if our failure to address issues eventually leads to divorce, it wasn’t the marriage or the divorce that failed; it was our failure to act.
Don’t be hard on yourself if your partner refuses to work with you on your marriage. Marriage is a team effort, and one person can’t make it healthy. You can’t make someone want to be a healthy partner. Staying together for the kids isn’t in anyone’s best interest, especially the kids, for the role model you give them is dysfunctional. Passing on this dysfunction will only complicate their future relationships. If you wouldn’t want your kids to live the dynamics of your relationship, fix the dynamics or move on. Without providing your kids a stable basis upon which to grow and a good role model, you’re doing your kids a disservice. Staying together for the kids is selfish, not for the kids.
A significant problem in addressing relationship dynamics is people’s tendencies to legitimize their dysfunction while being critical of others. If you want a healthy relationship, focus on being the best partner you can be, which means being considerate of your partner’s feelings. That doesn’t mean enabling your partner’s dysfunctional patterns, but address all concerns tactfully and respectfully. If you wouldn’t be receptive to what you’re dishing out, learn a new alternative. Your perspective makes sense to you, but your partner’s perspective makes just as much sense to that person. If you wouldn’t appreciate your partner’s perspective forced on you, don’t force yours on your partner.
Marriages don’t just happen. I’m not saying they’re hard work, but they do require regular nurturance to thrive. No matter what couples identify as their reason for therapy. I find it’s almost always dysfunctional communication. Don’t assume a life’s experience in talking makes you an effective communicator. Don’t stay in an unhealthy relationship, but don’t give up if both are open to learning how they can improve.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.