Like a Deer Caught in Headlights

 How do you deal with fear? Most people freeze, shut down or get defensive, or they blindly continue on the same path (words/actions) without considering it’s not working (even adding intensity to the dysfunctional pattern). Since our only true fear is the fear of the unknown, education is generally the most effective choice. Reach out for clarification or do research.
Are you seeing your assumptions as facts? Believing someone wants you to hurt is different from them actually wanting that. You have nothing to gain by seeing others in pain or discomfort, and neither do they. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “What I heard can be interpreted multiple ways, and I don’t want to assume I know your true intent. Please let me know where we are going and what we can hope to accomplish on this path.
Are you afraid to escalate conflict so choose to say nothing? Other people may interpret this as you not caring about them or the subject or resent the fact you may constantly assume they prefer arguing over discussing anything. There’s nothing wrong with asking for some time to consider your response, but make sure you revisit the topic within a reasonable amount of time.
Though it’s important to share our opinion when it’s sought, hopefully, others will understand we don’t always have an opinion, paying attention to what’s relevant to us before asking our opinion (Should I multiply 2X4 or 4X2?). Also, asking an unanswerable question won’t move us forward. Before asking a question, ask yourself the same question, and think about how the answer will add to the moment.
Don’t think responding with increased intensity will resolve issues or get others to feel valued in your eyes. Though we tend to increase our volume or repeat ourselves when we don’t feel heard, those options only result in the other person tuning us out. We’re more likely to be heard at a low volume than a high one. We tend to pay more attention to low volume messages, as long as we don’t need to struggle to hear what is being said.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-877-8378.