Making Marriage Work

 The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

At a friend’s 25th wedding anniversary party, the Husband was asked for the secret of his long-term marriage.  His answer?  Peer pressure.  They’re no longer married.
In an online musical card from Llerrah, the secret to a long and happy marriage was related in this story.  A couple, on their honeymoon, goes to the Grand Canyon and rent a mule to travel.  The mule stumbles and the new wife says quietly, “That’s once.”  A bit later the mule stumbles again and the wife quietly says, “That’s twice.”  Shortly thereafter the mule again stumbles.  The wife pulls out a gun and shoots the mule.  The husband shocked and angry yells at the wife.  The wife quietly responds, “That’s once.”  They lived happily ever after.
The “experts” on long term marriage provide many explanations.  It’s the sex.  It’s the brain hormone oxytocin.  It’s communication.  It’s commitment.  It’s forgiveness.  There is a parade of opinion on what leads to a long and happy marriage.
To understand the “secret” of a long marriage, researchers studied “success” cases to figure out what worked.  These investigations led to a variety of results.  Each author uniquely professes what is most important, but a few characteristics are found in most of these analyses.
Probably the most important commonly expressed factor was commitment.  When couples decide that divorce is never an option they are more secure in dealing with the severe challenges that often arise in a marriage.  Commitment is a confirmed value in most long term marriages.  One author highlighted the three situations where commitment may not be the best choice:  abuse, addiction or adultery.
Other virtues commonly cited include respect.  It has been said you can respect without love, but you cannot love without respect.  Communication is the darling of the therapy community.  When couples cannot communicate challenges have little chance for long term resolution.  Some cite weekend retreats as a very successful tool in building and maintaining communication skill as well as enhancing positive interplay – another important asset in successful marriages.
Couples in long term marriages acknowledge the challenges but know things get better on the other side.  It’s the commitment to get through.
For more information contact the Center for Cooperative Divorce at 661-255-9348 or visit us online at www.centerforcooperativedivorce.com.